


Firsts

by ReedusFan



Category: Boondock Saints (Movies)
Genre: Cussing, First experiences, Gen, cute twins, kiddie saints
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-27
Updated: 2014-01-27
Packaged: 2018-01-10 05:33:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1155698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReedusFan/pseuds/ReedusFan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor was first.  He was always first.  As far back as they could both remember, Connor led the way & Murphy happily followed his twin brother.  Series of drabbles into the first experiences of the MacManus twins.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Blue Velvet, Blue Lightning

Connor was first. He was always first. As far back as they could both remember, Connor led the way and Murphy happily followed his twin brother. At least in _most_ things he happily followed.

Connor walked first. Connor talked first. Connor was first to outgrow his clothes while Murphy still fit into his. Connor was the first to have his mouth washed out with soap after his first curse, although to be fair, Murphy was forced to watch while his twin suffered and gagged, coughed and sputtered. You see, Murphy cursed too but he had to wait his turn with the soap, Connor going first. As usual. So Murphy stood & fidgeted in place, his eyes glued to his brother's watering eyes and he later told Connor that the anticipation was far worse than the actual soap in the mouth.

Murphy followed his brother in everything. Cursing was no exception.

The _'soapy mouth incident,'_ as Murphy liked to call it, happened when they were innocent 7 year olds. The exact word they both uttered was debated for years, Connor insisting they said _'cocksucker'_ while Murphy remembered otherwise. _'Fuck'_ was the exact word, at least according to Murphy.

Regardless of their muddled memory, their Ma heard them both spew the offensive word and dragged them to the bathroom by their ears. She insisted they tell her where they had heard such language, they were to tell her at once, they were not to protect any of their disgusting friends. The twins just stared at each other, a silent sort of 'twin talk' no one else really understood, and they both knew better than to tell her that the offensive word, the dirty word, the vulgar word she couldn't believe her babies said, had been heard in their own home, and was said by their own mother. No, they knew better than to tell her that.

So they suffered with the soap in silence. Together...but Connor first.

And so it was throughout their lives, no matter what they did, no matter where they went, no matter what terror they wrought. Connor would blaze the trail for his younger twin.

On their eighth birthday, they received a shiny blue bike with a large blue bow on it. It was a used bike, that was all their ma could afford, but to them it was the most beautiful thing they had ever seen. It sparkled as if new, the chain was freshly oiled, and it screamed to be ridden. It was a gift they would have to share, although sharing was never really a problem with them, and they waited for their uncle to arrive so he could teach them how to ride.

Connor promptly named the bike Blue Velvet which made Murphy scoff.

"That's a pussy name, Conn," he said with a giggle. No, Murphy insisted, it had to have a cool name, a fast name. It was to be called Blue Lightning, that name sounded fast.

Connor just laughed at him, it's not like either of them would be able to ride it fast regardless, and he argued that lightning wasn't blue, it was white, so Murphy's name just didn't make sense.

After an hour spent arguing over what to name their shiny new friend, neither twin budging on this and no resolution being reached, their ma finally pushed them out the door with a swat on their butts when their uncle arrived. Murphy began stroking the handlebars, his eyes dancing over the metal, while Connor wasted no more time & swung his leg over the bike & sat on the vinyl seat.

Murphy didn't bother to object, it was a silent understanding between them that Connor would go first, and he stepped back when his uncle approached. After a few moments of instruction, Connor began to peddle while his uncle held the bike behind him & ran alongside. This went on for a bit with Connor quickly mastering his balance, far quicker than anyone would have given him credit for. So as expected, Connor mastered bike riding first, although it did help that they both spent an overwhelming amount of time riding their neighbor's bike, which still had training wheels.

Then it was Murphy's turn. He tried to be as brave as his brother, false bravado really, as he took his place on the bike. He glanced at Connor who smiled & nodded encouragingly, and then Murphy was off, pedaling furiously. His uncle let go far too soon and without Murphy even realizing he was on his own. Murphy promptly went tumbling down the Chestnut Street hill, having forgotten how to use the brakes.

End over end he went, almost in slow motion, leaving a gruesome trail of blood and skin. When he finally came to a stop, the bike rested on top of him at an awkward angle, both in a heap at the bottom of the hill. From the sound of the screaming from his twin, Connor was certain Murphy must have broken every single bone in his body. As he ran toward his brother at full speed, the only relief he felt was knowing that with all that screaming, at least Murph was alive.

It turned out Murphy had indeed broken his bones. His wrist and two fingers, to be precise. So in the case of broken bones, this one time, Murphy led. He also led with a concussion & a chipped baby tooth, as well as most of the skin on his knees.

Murphy would often tell Connor that had it not been for him, he never would have gotten back on Blue Lightning. _Blue Velvet,_ Connor corrected with a roll of his eyes. You see, all during Murphy's recovery, Connor delighted in telling and retelling his twin's "harrowing" bike ride to anyone who would listen. He'd regale the story of the ride that almost killed his brother, his _baby_ brother, when Murphy had attempted to ride a bike without the benefit of the training wheels he so obviously still needed.

As soon as Ma gave the okay, Murphy was back on Blue Lightning. _Blue Fucking Velvet,_ Connor loudly corrected.

Connor had spent the last couple weeks riding their bike & he had mastered the fine art of handless steering, showing off to Murphy every chance he got. Murphy wanted nothing more than to catch up to his brother but now fear & the memory of the pain of broken bones held him back.

Connor actually felt quite bad for his twin, the way he shook, the way he hesitated, the way he just sat there, not moving while fear took hold. Connor patted him on the back as encouragement which caused Murphy to jump about a mile before breaking into a nervous smile.

"You can do it, Murph," Connor gently said, his brother nodding in response but still failing to move. So Connor waited. And waited. And...waited. For over 10 fucking minutes he waited while Murphy sat on the bike, still as a rock, one foot on a pedal, the other on the ground. Connor mumbled more words of encouragement, hoping Murphy would take off at any moment. But all Murph did was nod in response & stare downward as he sat on the bike. Unmoving.

Finally, Connor couldn't take it anymore, time for tough love. He punched his little brother in the arm, announcing that unless he rode the bike right fucking now, Blue Velvet would be his & his alone, forever more. Murphy began to object, loudly, but Connor punched him again & called him a fucking pussy, effectively ending the argument.

Murphy glared at his twin, debating whether he should get off Blue Lightning and kick his brother's pompous ass, or just show him how it was done. As he continued to glare, he realized if he got off the bike, he took the chance Connor would get the best of him & ride away into the sunset. On Blue Lightning, never to be seen again. He couldn't take that chance, it was too risky, he couldn't let Connor steal their bike. And that's what it was, their bike, not just Connor's.

So the decision was made. Murphy swallowed hard and held his breath, pushing forward on the pedal, praying to God he'd be able to stop before Chestnut Street hill took more of his blood. The bike jerked from side to side as Murphy pedaled, and shook, and he practically pissed himself. As he rode, he could hear Connor cheering him on from somewhere behind him, his anger a fleeting memory as he recognized the pride in Connor's voice.

And then there it was, the infamous Chestnut Street hill, right there in front of him waiting to be conquered. Or perhaps it was waiting to rip his skin from his knees.

To this day, Murphy swears it appeared directly in front of him through the fog, like the moon breaking through the clouds. "There was no fog," Connor never hesitated to point out, but Murphy refused to acknowledge the lack of fog, it was there, he saw it.

Murphy only hesitated for a moment, not even bothering to slow down, before he disappeared over the top of the hill. He flew down the hill, picking up speed as he traveled, swearing he went at least 50 miles per hour. Connor reached the top of the hill when Murphy was half-way down & he stood watching and praying. _God, please, don't let Murph die._

Murphy skidded to a stop at the bottom of the hill, he was safe, holy shit, he made it. He looked over his shoulder, his eyes climbing up the steep hill to find his wide eyed brother at the top staring down incredulously at him, a smile of pure joy breaking out on his proud face. He ran to the bottom of the hill, whooping & hollering the entire way, creating quite the ruckus. But he didn't care if the whole town heard him, his brother, his twin, his Murph had done it. Murphy beat Chestnut Street hill.

So finally, after a couple weeks delay, Murphy finally followed his brother & mastered bike riding. The one thing Murphy kept to himself, what he failed to tell his proud brother, was that he actually had no intention of conquering that fucking hill that day. He had forgotten how to use the brakes.


	2. Kiss

Sixteen. He was turning sixteen in a month and he had yet to kiss a girl. Okay, he'd kissed his ma, but that didn't really count and besides, that was just gross. And he'd kissed Katie McKinney when he was 12 but that wasn't a real kiss, not the kind that mattered, not the kind with tongues doing whatever tongues were supposed to do. And kisses on the cheek never ever counted, no matter what. Even _he_ knew that.

Sixteen fucking years old & he never kissed a girl. Connor kissed a girl, he kissed lots of girls, probably hundreds. And according to Connor, they kissed him back. And they liked it too, at least that's what Conn said. And why would his twin lie? What purpose would that serve? Okay, so it would make Murphy jealous, but other than that, it served no purpose, not really. Besides, Murphy saw Connor kissing girls, so he knew he wasn't lying.

But why were so many girls kissing _Connor?_ They were twins, okay so fraternal twins, but still...they were twins. Shouldn't he be able to get girls like Connor did? Why was he so far behind Connor in everything?

Most of the time, being second didn't bother Murphy, he was quite used to it actually. Connor always seemed to do everything first, usually without even trying. Probably was even born first, not that Murphy would ever let Connor know this thought had ever crossed his mind for even the briefest second. But the thing that bothered Murphy the most, far above anything else, was this kissing thing. It just wasn't fair, he wanted to be kissed just as badly as any other teenage boy, he even dreamed of it sometimes.

If only he could kiss a girl, _any_ girl, then he wouldn't feel so lacking, at least in the kissing department. He just had to find a girl to kiss before he turned 16. He just had to.

And then Connor asked for a favor. It was like a gift from God placed right at Murphy's feet. Connor needed help, he needed Murph. Connor's Saturday night date, Maggie, the girl Connor had been drooling over for months, had her cousin in town & she wouldn't go out without her. So pretty please, could Murphy come along as her date? Connor promised he'd pay, he'd let Murphy pick the restaurant and he'd 'owe him one forever.'

Murphy hesitated, suddenly he was scared. Who was this girl anyway? This cousin? And why would she want to go out with him when she'd never even met him before?

Sensing the hesitation in his brother, Connor pressed onward, telling him he was sure she was pretty and he bet she'd make out with him, maybe even let him cop a feel. Well that was certainly a tempting thought but who was Connor to offer up a tit grab? Murphy was certain he'd never get a hand up let alone a real kiss so what was the point in even going? And all Murphy cared about, all he thought about, all he really wanted was a kiss. A real, honest to God, tongue in her mouth, _K-I-S-S._

Connor kept pressing him, begging & pleading with his puppy dog eyes. Finally, even though he was scared shitless, Murphy couldn't take his annoying twin anymore & reluctantly agreed. Besides, unless he agreed, Connor would never stop begging and he couldn't stand it when Connor begged.

Saturday night rolled around far too quickly to suit Murphy. He had never been so scared in his life, he was certain he'd die. He was nervous beyond belief, nervous about kissing this girl he had yet to even meet. What if she pushed him away? Or worse, what if she said he was a terrible kisser? There's no recovering from that one. Being labeled a terrible kisser could haunt you forever, no girl would want to kiss him after hearing that. And when news of his lackluster kissing ability leaked out, when it was discovered how he slobbered all over some poor girl, he'd never live it down. This news would spread like wildfire, everyone would know and no girl in her right mind would even look at him, let alone kiss him. Murphy would have to move away, maybe even leave the country.

His mind was running amuck with possibilities. What if he did it wrong? That's possible, isn't it? How would he even know if he was doing it right to begin with? He'd never kissed a girl before, maybe there was a right way & a wrong way. What if he stuck his tongue too far in her mouth? Or maybe not far enough? Or maybe he'd bite her lip by mistake, that could happen. Holy shit, what if he grossed her out, like maybe she only gave him a pity kiss.

Fuck, _fuck,_ he was in trouble. Maybe he should just cancel. Yeah, cancelling might be the thing to do, save his pride, at least he'd have that.

Connor came into the room from the bathroom, his hair wet and a towel wrapped around his waist. He stood watching his twin in fascination....Murph was definitely nervous, definitely worked up, most definitely shitting himself. Connor chuckled & smacked his twin on the back of his head as he walked past, shaking him from his thoughts.

"Settle down, dickhead, you'll be fine. It's just a girl, nothing to be nervous about," Connor mumbled, his voice holding a lilting teasing tone. "And just so you know, Maggie showed me a picture of her & you've got nothing to worry about. She's pretty and she has a real nice rack so if you try to cop a feel, you'll have something to grab onto."

Murphy rolled his eyes, he really didn't need to hear that. He actually hoped she wouldn't be pretty at all, ugly even. Ugly and flat chested, that way he wouldn't be distracted by her. Then he could just kiss her to get it over with, he wouldn't have to worry about some pretty girl telling him he sucked at the kissing thing. She'd probably done a lot of kissing, she'd know how bad he was. Why the fuck did she have to be pretty?

Fine, he'd just have to cancel, that's all there was to it. He wasn't about to subject himself to some pretty girl telling everyone he was a shitty kisser. He'd spare himself the humiliation. He looked at his brother, his freshly showered brother who was smiling to himself as he got dressed. Shit. If Murphy cancelled, Connor wouldn't be able to go. And he'd promised Connor, he gave his word & he'd never forgive him if he cancelled. Figures, just his luck, he was stuck.

Connor yelled at him to 'get a move on,' he didn't want to be late and Murphy still had to shower. After cleaning up & taming his wild hair, he dressed in his best pants, shirt & tie. If he was going to die from embarrassment tonight, at least he'd be clean & look halfway decent. He sat on his bed, praying for death, when Connor came to get him.

Shaking his head at his distracted twin, Connor sat next to him, taking pity on his brother for whatever turmoil he was currently suffering from. Connor knew his twin better than he knew himself and he knew Murphy had yet to kiss a girl so he could easily deduce that this was the problem.

"S'not a big deal, Murph, kissing and all. There's nothin' to it."

"Says the guy who's kissed a million girls."

"Well...not a million, maybe only half a million. Don't be nervous. You'll be fine. I promise."

"I don't know..." And then the words came tumbling out of his mouth, he couldn't stop them even if he wanted to. He confessed to Connor his concerns, his fears, his nervous thoughts about kissing and how bad he'd be. Connor listened patiently, letting him pour his heart out, and when he was done, Connor wrapped his arm around his shoulder & pulled him close. Murphy let out a sigh of relief, relieved Connor didn't laugh at him, he didn't tease him or make fun. Deep down, he knew he wouldn't.

Then it was Connor's turn to talk & his words were to the point, his plan simple. "Here's what you do, Murph. Just lean in, close your eyes & kiss her. That's it, just fucking kiss her."

"What if she turns her head?"

"Then you'll kiss her cheek. So what, who fucking cares? Look, girls like kissing, and if she likes you, she'll want to kiss you. Trust me, Maggie's been talking you up all week, ya got nothin' to worry about."

"What if I do it wrong? Like what if I bite her or something?"

Connor laughed out loud, Murphy could be so funny sometimes without even trying. "What are you, a fucking vampire? Rule number one, don't bite. Rule number two, just fucking enjoy yourself. Okay?"

Murphy took a deep breath, hesitating for only a moment. If he hesitated any longer, he'd lose whatever nerve he had built up. He needed help, he needed advice. And Connor, with his extensive kissing history, was just the one to give it.

"I'm just worried about tongues."

"Tongues?"

"Yeah, you know...how do you know if she wants your tongue in her mouth? What if I try to do that & she gets grossed out? Or what if I get grossed out if she puts her tongue in my mouth?"

Connor smiled, his eyes twinkling at his brother's inexperience. "You won't get grossed out, it's really sexy, Murph. Trust me, you'll like it. A lot. But here's a hint...if you're kissing her & she opens her mouth, then you need to slip her the tongue. Easy, peasy, just give her the tongue."

"But..."

And then more words of wisdom spewed forth from the older twin. He reminded Murphy of Blue Velvet and how scared he was, how he almost gave up & let fear get the best of him. But instead, he & Blue Velvet conquered Chestnut Street hill together.

"It was named Blue Lightning & you fucking know it, Connor."

Connor chose to ignore the Blue Lightning comment, Murphy had such a terrible time remembering names. _"My point is,_ you didn't pussy out. You stopped thinking about it  & just did it. Kissing's a lot like riding Blue Velvet. You have to stop thinking about it & just do it. Don't pussy out."

"But..."

"Murph, just relax. You're making too much of it, honest. Kissing is supposed to be fun, just enjoy yourself, okay?"

Murphy nodded and mumbled a quiet 'okay,' although he still felt anything but okay. He was in deep shit & he knew it. In deep shit with no way out and on his way to his own execution, God help him.

They had arranged to meet the girls at the restaurant of Murphy's choice, O'Malley's. Connor tried to talk his twin out of this particular restaurant, Murphy always picked fucking O'Malley's and it wasn't exactly a romantic place, and Connor wanted romance. But Murphy argued that he just knew it was going to be a shitty night, at least for him, so he might as well get some good food out of it. Besides, Connor told him he could pick the place & he liked O'Malley's.

"Just fucking get over it, Conn."

No matter how much Connor argued & pleaded, Murphy wouldn't budge. Bribery didn't work, threats didn't work, even Connor's infamous puppy dog eyes were ineffective. So now they were at O'Malley's. Jesus, Mary & Joseph...Fucking O'Malley's.

Their Ma dropped them off with a warm smile & a couple of 'be good, boys' and 'treat them like ladies,' to which they rolled their eyes in response, thankful she hadn't given them the sex talk they had yet to endure. So they waited in the entryway for their dates, eager Connor and nervous Murph.

And that's the way they were throughout the entire meal. Connor eagerly trying to impress his date with stories & jokes, his voice lively, his carriage full of life. Murphy so nervous he barely spoke, barely even ate, barely lifted his eyes from his plate. For Connor, he was in heaven each time his date giggled at him or reached out & touched his arm. For Murphy, he was in hell each time there was nothing but silence or worse, each time his date tried to get him to talk & he answered almost too quietly to be heard, Connor often drowning him out without even realizing it.

Shit, now Murphy couldn't remember his date's name. What the fuck was it? Katie? No. Kerry? No, that's not right. It started with a "K" sound, he was certain of that. His eyes were drawn to the giggling sound as the girls whispered amongst themselves, their heads drawn together. Damn it, what the fuck is her name?

Maggie leaned over & whispered in Connor's ear before breaking out into a loud giggle, the sound running up Murphy's spine. He really wished they'd stop giggling like that when he was trying to remember...Kaitlyn! That's it, her name is Kaitlyn. He sighed in relief just as Connor slid out of the booth & let the girls out, standing like an idiot & watching them walk away.

"What's going on?"

Connor smirked at his younger half, "Nature call, Murph. It happens to girls too, you know."

Then Connor was back in the booth, his eyes on his twin, his head shaking. "She likes you. I don't know why, you barely said two words to her, but by some miracle, she likes you."

"Huh?"

_"Huh?"_ Connor mocked. "Is that all you got to say? Huh? She fucking likes you, Murph. So you better not blow it."

Murphy didn't believe his twin, no way this girl liked him, it wasn't possible. Besides, how would Connor know what she was thinking? How would he have any clue at all if she liked him? It's not like he's clairvoyant or something.

"I don't have to be clairvoyant to know she likes you." God, sometimes Murphy really hated when Connor did that. "Maggie told me, fuckhead."

Oh, that explained it, that's what she was whispering in Connor's ear. A wave of understanding went through Murphy followed quickly by a wave of nausea then a wave of panic. She liked him. She would expect him to kiss her, there was no way out of it now, he'd have no excuse not to kiss her. She liked him. He felt cursed & blessed at the same time. _She fucking liked him._

And then they were back, giggling & smiling at the boys, sliding back into the booth. And there was Connor, _fucking Connor,_ turning on his charm again. _Why look, they still had over an hour before their parents would be by to pick them up, and wow, there's a park right across the street and it's a nice night for a walk and everything, maybe they could go look at the stars...or something._

That shit wouldn't have worked for anyone other than Connor MacManus, Murphy was certain of that, and he made it look so easy & natural. _Easy peasy, Murph._ How did he do that? So after Connor paid the bill, he had promised to pay after all, they made their way across the street to the park. Eager Connor  & nervous Murphy.

Murphy watched as Connor took Maggie's hand as they crossed the street. Murphy watched as Connor put his arm around Maggie when they reached the park. And Murphy watched as Connor began to walk away with Maggie. Where was he going?

Murphy began to follow, he always followed Connor, but Connor gave him a look and a shake of the head. And with that look Murphy stopped, his eyes silently pleading with his twin, _don't go._

"Blue Velvet, Murph."

Then Connor disappeared into the dark leaving Murphy alone with his date. He turned to face her, Connor's words running through his mind, _'She fucking likes you, Murph. So you better not blow it.'_ But he didn't know what to do, how could he get close enough to kiss her, he wasn't smooth like Connor, he didn't have game. He didn't even know what to say.

But she did. Her words were sweet & gentle, and she pulled him into conversation with a smile on her lips. She was not only pretty, she was smart and interesting. He felt himself relaxing without realizing it, this girl was putting him at ease, she drew him out of his nervous shell.

They walked, they talked, they laughed. And then Murphy decided it was now or never, just like when he rode down that fucking hill on Blue Lightning, he'd either crash & burn or miraculously succeed.

They stopped at the edge of the pond & he felt a wave of exhilaration, something deep in his gut pushing him forward. It was time. As he turned to her, she looked up at him & he froze. But only for a moment. Then his lips were on hers and he closed his eyes, praying he was doing it right. _Don't bite, Murph._

She hadn't turned her head, she didn't push him away, no, she was kissing him back. Holy shit, she was kissing him back, holy fucking shit.

Hands. He hadn't asked Connor what his hands were supposed to do, where did they go? He knew where he wanted them to go...but instead he placed them on her hips, that was the safest place he could think of. She had one hand on his arm & the other in his hair. Shit, he liked the feeling of her fingers in his hair.  
Then she did it, she opened her mouth. _'Easy, peasy, just give her the tongue.'_

He slid his tongue past her lips, into her mouth, against her tongue. Then her tongue was in his mouth, back & forth they went, give and take. Connor was right, it was sexy. And he liked it.

His brain was mush.

"—phy! Murphy!" That sounded like Connor. No, go away, just fuck off Connor.

Then the lips were gone, just like that, gone. And he couldn't breathe, he could barely even think straight. Lips. He wanted her lips back. What the fuck? Connor ruined everything.

Maggie pulled Kaitlyn from his arms, giggling as they walked away & all Murphy could do was stand there, gawking with kiss swollen lips. Then Connor had his arm around his twin's shoulders, smiling & steering him to follow the girls as they made their way to the park's entrance, telling him to fix his mussed hair.

"Blue Velvet, right Murph?"

Murphy was in no condition to argue. And Connor knew it. Fuckin' Connor.


	3. Tooth

“Just stop it, Murph. Trust me, all right?”

Usually when Connor said _‘trust me’_ it ended up with Murphy being hurt, bleeding or in the hospital emergency room----or a combination thereof. The last time Connor said ‘trust me,’ Murphy had to have 5 stitches in his scalp, and that was just a month ago.

Connor had convinced him it was a great idea for Murphy to hold the back of Blue Lightning while on a skateboard & Connor would pull him down the street. Although to be fair, Murphy didn’t really require much convincing, hardly any, if truth be told. It sounded like great fun, a truly brilliant idea & Connor even let Murphy go first this time. Unfortunately, neither had counted on Murphy hitting a patch of rocks & wiping out. Headfirst. So after six hours in the ER, an hour of Ma preaching to them with a wagging finger, and a million crying apologies from Connor, Murphy had five stitches in his head.

So when Connor said ‘trust me,’ Murphy took an instinctive step backward, he couldn’t help it. He knew Connor would never hurt him, not on purpose anyway, but whenever Connor uttered those two dreaded words _….TRUST ME….._ Murphy felt a wave of apprehension course through his 8 year old body, a feeling of certain doom. Unintentional doom, but doom nonetheless.

Murphy froze when he caught the hurt look on his brother’s face, a look of genuine betrayal, utter disbelief. This look quickly changed to a _‘where the fuck do you think you’re going?’_ look and Murphy moved back to his original position. He’d rather be injured beyond repair than see that hurt look in Connor’s eyes.

Connor quickly recovered with a simple nod of his head. “I have a great plan, you’re gonna love it, Murph.” Shit, Connor has a plan, saints be praised. “This is one of my best ideas yet.”

Okay, so Connor did have some great ideas, and really….a lot of his plans went off without any bodily harm. But given the circumstance, pain was likely today, Murphy just knew it. And pain was usually accompanied by blood. And lots of yelling from Ma, at both of them. Pain, blood & yelling, not an attractive combination.

“Will ya just trust me? Relax, already.”

Shit. He said it again. Murphy was doomed.

And then Connor was gone to get the supplies, the devices that would potentially kill his little brother, the instruments of torture. Murphy looked around the room nervously, his tongue going to his loose front tooth, wiggling it back & forth, willing it to fall out. His finger replaced his tongue and vigorous tooth wiggling continued, albeit at a more frantic pace.

If only it would fall out right this second, all his problems would be solved. _wiggle, wiggle_ Okay, if it fell out in the next 20 seconds, that would still work out okay. _wiggle, wiggle_ Okay, as long as it fell out before Connor got back, then that would be fine. _wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle_ What the fuck? Come on, fall out already!

“Give it up, Murph, it’s not coming out on its own. You need the help of an expert.” And then Connor smiled, a wide smile that demonstrated to his younger half why he was the expert, at least in this regard. His smile was dazzling & only marred by the obvious lack of a front tooth, his tongue poking through the space where a perfect white tooth once had been.

The week prior, their Ma had brought home a rare treat, pepperoni pizza. She even let them eat in the living room while they watched the telly. And Connor had his tooth fall out, right during Star Trek, right onto his pizza, right there in front of Murphy. He didn’t even wait for the commercial, the selfish prick. Ma drowned out Spock with all her oohing and aahing over Connor’s tooth and Murphy missed the most important part of the show, the part where they save the planet. Connor told him to shut up and stop whining, they both had seen the episode a million times already, but that wasn’t the point. Saving the planet was Murphy’s favorite part and he missed it, all because Connor had to lose his tooth at that precise moment. Murphy probably wouldn’t even see that episode again until he was at least 12 or 13.

Later that same night when it was bedtime, Murphy asked if he could sleep with Connor, holding his breath while he waited for his brother’s answer. As always, Connor said yes, he never refused Murphy’s request. Murphy practically tackled Connor in his bed and as he cuddled close to his twin, he felt Connor’s small arms wrap around him & pull him close. That’s when Murphy began to cry an apology, saying he was sorry he had been jealous, “please forgive me, don’t hate me, Conn.” Connor just hugged him tighter & whispered that he understood, that it was okay, that he could never ever hate him, even when he was acting like a jealous dickhead. Of course, this resulted in its intended purpose & Murphy broke into a fit of giggles, agreeing that he was a jealous dickhead but would try not to be in the future.

That was put to the test the very next morning when Connor found the four shiny coins the tooth fairy left him under his pillow. And Murphy wasn’t jealous, not in the least, he was truly happy for Connor, asking what he was going to do with his money. Connor, always the frugal one, said he was going to save it & promptly added it to his piggy bank, the coins rattling loudly in the ceramic pig’s belly. As Connor shook it, Murphy giggled with joy, it sounded like a lot of money to his eight year old ears.

But now Murphy was the one with the loose tooth. And Connor was the one with the plan.

Murphy had whined for days that his tooth just wouldn’t fall out, no matter what he did, pizza didn’t even work. So now it was up to big brother Connor to come to the rescue, he’d take care of that pesky tooth that was the bane of his baby brother’s existence. Come hell or high water, that tooth was going to come out.

“Look here, Murph, I got it all figured out. See?”

Connor reached into the bag he had filled with supplies & showed Murphy his stockpile. Gauze from the medicine chest, orange yarn from Ma’s knitting, Ma’s whiskey bottle that was still half full & a coil of rope.

Murphy was slightly confused. Obviously the gauze was for the bleeding & the yarn was for the yanking. But the whiskey & rope confused him. What were they for? His face scrunched up as he tried to figure it out, without success.

“You’re so daft sometimes, Murph. Whiskey is supposed to numb the pain. Ma used to put it on our gums when we were babes, you know, when we were teething. This is kind of the same thing, aye?”

“Yeah…..I guess, in a way. Am I supposed to just rub it on my tooth, then?”

“Might be better if you drank some.”

That seemed to make sense & Murphy nodded, agreeing with his twin. He’d do anything to numb whatever pain would be involved, anything at all, even drinking some of Ma’s forbidden whiskey. And really, how bad could it be? His eyes went to the rope next.

Connor knew Murphy would end up fighting him if he just tried to yank his tooth out, Murphy could barely sit still as it was, let alone when someone was ripping a tooth from his mouth.

“I don’t want you pulling away & messing it up. It’ll hurt more if you do that so I’m gonna tie you to the chair.”

That sounded like a terrible plan, absolutely awful. Murphy didn’t want to be tied to a chair with some stupid fucking rope, unable to move, even if it was Connor doing the tying. He started to shake his head ‘no’ but Connor paid him no mind, he pulled the kitchen chair out & patted the seat. “Make yourself comfortable, Murph.”

“I changed my mind, Connor. I like my tooth just the way it is.”

“What are you going on about? For the past couple days, you’ve been doing nothing but complain that you wanted that tooth to fall out and now I’ve got the perfect plan & you’re being a chicken. How many times do I have to tell you to fucking trust me? This’ll work, I promise. Now sit down so I can tie you up.”

Connor raised his eyebrows at his brother & motioned to the chair with his head, his impatience building. He knew how to fix his baby brother, he knew what to do, Murph just had to trust him, that’s all.

Murphy gave him that look, the look that said ‘I trust you, so you better not fuck this up’ and he slowly sat in the chair, looking up at Connor with his huge doe eyes, watching him as he uncoiled the rope. The next thing Murphy knew, Connor had completed the task & Murphy was secured tightly to the chair, unable to move anything except his feet & head. Okay, he really didn’t like this shit one bit.

And here comes Connor, unscrewing the cap from the whiskey bottle & holding it to Murphy’s lips before he could object. Hot fire burned down Murphy’s throat & he began to sputter & gag, whiskey pouring down his chin.

Murphy turned his head away from the bottle with a loud groan, he was close to vomiting, that shit was nasty and he told Connor this between his coughing jags. Thankfully, Connor pulled the bottle away, holding it to his nose & sniffing the contents with a putrid look on his face. Murphy was right, that shit was nasty.

“Sorry, Murph. You okay?” Connor was genuinely concerned. In all his vast eight years of life, he’d never seen Murphy turn so red before. Sure, he’d turn bright red when he was embarrassed, his ears even turned red, but not like _this._ Connor was just about to untie his brother when Murphy nodded  & wheezed out an ‘I’m okay.’

 

“Do you need more painkiller?”

If looks could kill, Connor would be dead on the floor. Oh---kay…..so Murphy didn’t need any more painkiller. Duly noted.

The bottle was moved away & the yarn was untangled, Connor making a loop for Murphy’s tooth. “Open wide, jerk face.”

He actually half-expected Murphy to clamp his mouth shut like a vice but instead, Murphy found his inner courage & opened his mouth for his brother. Trust was a beautiful thing.

Connor’s fingers worked inside Murphy’s mouth as he tried to loop the yarn over the offensive tooth. “Gross. You’re drooling all over me, Murph.”

“Uck Ooo.”

Connor laughed, Murphy sounded ridiculous trying to say ‘fuck you’ with Connor’s fingers in his mouth.

“Shit, Murph. Quit licking my fingers. That’s fucking gross.”

“Ary ah, Onn. Ooo oh ah uckng ock ock.”

Connor had no fucking idea what Murphy said & at this point, it really didn’t matter. The yarn was looped over his twin’s front tooth, the very tooth that was driving Murphy nuts, the very tooth that would soon be extracted from his slobbering mouth.

Connor took a step back & admired his little brother. He started to chuckle, wishing he had a camera. Murph looked ridiculous, tied to a chair, his shirt soaked with whiskey & a long orange piece of yarn hanging from his mouth.

“Well? Are you gonna do it or what?”

“All right, all right, settle down.”

Then they locked eyes, trusting baby blues staring at matching protective eyes, each knowing what the other was thinking & feeling. Silent communication flew between them with that look, all in a matching heartbeat, an innate ability each possessed probably since conception.

_I trust you._

_I won’t hurt you._

_I know._

_Are you ready?_

_Do it._

_Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you._

_You won’t. Do it._

Connor’s hand tightened on the yarn, he could barely breathe, it was a great plan, it’d work, it had to. Then he yanked. Hard. He felt the tug on the other end of the yarn followed quickly by a yelp, Murphy’s eyes shutting tightly as a tear trickled down his cheek.

Connor looked down, the yarn still in his grip with the other end still in Murphy’s mouth. No, it didn’t work. Shit.

Murphy opened his eyes, his tongue going to what he was sure would be an empty space in his mouth but finding that fucking tooth still there. He looked up at Connor with wet eyes but with more resolve than an eight year old should possess.

“Pull again, Connor.”

Connor shook his head ‘no,’ he wasn’t about to pull on the yarn again, no fucking way. Especially now that he knew it didn’t work, all it did was hurt Murph & he wasn’t about to let that happen. Not again.

“Do it, Connor.”

Another frantic shake of the head, Connor’s eyes boring into Murphy’s, finding steely determination residing in his trussed up twin.

Suddenly, Murphy jerked his head back, effectively pulling against the yarn that was still gripped tightly in Connor’s hand. But Connor’s hand had been sweating with nervousness and the yarn slid from his hand & he watched Murphy tip over backward, still tied to the chair, the yarn flowing in the air like some sort of macabre tendril.

With a loud OOF, Murphy hit the floor hard. Connor ran to his side, his hands ghosting over his body, afraid to touch him in case he had broken every bone in his body. But Murphy was fine, no broken bones and all of his teeth still in place, even that dreaded front tooth.

“I’m fine, Connor,” Murphy reassured his frantic twin, who began to hug him awkwardly & apologize profusely between kisses to his head.

That’s when the front door opened & in came Ma, fresh from The Anvil. When she entered the kitchen, she paused momentarily at the sight of her twins, Murphy tied to a chair flat on his back with a piece of her knitting hanging from his mouth, and Connor practically laying on top of him, hugging him tightly in his arms. Well, boys will be boys & at least they hadn’t killed themselves while she was gone, thank God for that.

“There’s my boys,” she slurred before her eyes fell on the whiskey bottle on the table. She picked it up, quickly dismissing the thought that her precious babies could have had even one drop of her whiskey, no, not her babies. She must have left the bottle out before she went to the pub.

“Untie your brother, it’s past your bedtime.”

Murphy was quickly released & after a quick peck to their foreheads, she shooed them up the stairs to their room, Murphy trying to untie the yarn from his tooth on his way up. Of course, accident prone Murph stepped on the end of the yarn on only the third step, and with a quick painful burst, his tooth was ripped from his mouth. He held it in the air in complete shock, his shiny white tooth hanging from the bright orange yarn.

“Way to go, Murph. That was genius!”

Murphy nodded in response, his tongue going to the empty spot in his mouth, tasting blood. Connor begged to see his brother’s new smile & Murphy quickly obliged, proudly showing off his matching grin, both missing the exact same tooth, finally. That’s really all Murphy wanted, to have the same empty spot in his mouth Connor had.

That night, Connor let Murphy sleep with him once again & the tooth fairy paid another visit to the MacManus household, leaving another four shiny coins, this time under Murphy’s pillow. But when Murphy woke up, there weren’t four coins, there were eight.

“I guess the tooth fairy knew you had a hard time with that tooth, Murph,” Connor began to explain, he seemed to know exactly how the tooth fairy did her business. But then again, Connor knew everything, or at least that’s the way it seemed to Murphy. “See? You got double what I got.”

“Yeah, I guess she knows what happened, aye?”

But what Murphy didn’t realize was that in addition to the tooth fairy leaving him coins, Connor had added his own four coins to what was already under Murphy’s pillow.

And what Connor didn’t realize was that after breakfast, Murphy snuck back to their room & put all eight of his coins into Connor’s piggy bank.


	4. School

It was Murphy she had worried about. He was the one who could be a bit shy, less eager to try new things, more scared of the unknown. He was the one who would quietly watch his twin do something first before finally following suit. He always seemed a bit reluctant, at least to his mother.

Connor, on the other hand, she hadn’t given a thought to how he would react. He was outgoing, the first to try something new without hesitation, fearless. He was the one who couldn’t wait to start school, asking almost daily if tomorrow was “the day,” and then pouting in disappointment when his mother responded, “not yet, luv.”

Annabelle tried to prepare her twins for their first day of school, telling them what to expect, answering their endless questions, encouraging them to be brave, especially Murphy. She’d even gone so far as taking the boys to meet their first teacher, Mrs. Williams. She was a sweet, middle-aged woman with a gentle manner, kneeling down to meet the boys and smiling softly at them as they stared back with matching wide blue eyes.

Murphy took a step backwards, away from Mrs. Williams, practically cowering behind his mother. His little hand reached up & grasped Annabelle’s skirt tightly, pulling it to cover his face with only his eyes showing, watching silently.

Connor hugged Mrs. Williams, to everyone’s surprise, and Annabelle chuckled in response as her hand went to Murphy’s head & stroked his hair. She felt a slight tremble beneath her palm as she comforted her boy, gazing down at him.

As Connor pulled back, his eyes saw the toys across the room, and they widened in awe. He’d never seen so many toys in one place before, there had to be at least a million, all waiting for him to play with. Sure, he & Murphy had toys, but not very many, and they shared everything they had. But _this_ …..this was overwhelming.

“Murph!” His excited voice was loud as he turned to look for his twin, his finger pointing to the toys. “Look at all the toys!”

But Murphy didn’t look at the toys. He didn’t even look at Connor, which surprised both his mother & his twin. Instead, his unblinking eyes remained locked on the strange woman smiling at him, his new teacher.

“He’s quite the shy one, isn’t he?” Mrs. Williams quietly observed with a slight smirk on her face. “Your little one is so cute, Mrs. MacManus. Both your boys are just darling.”

Connor turned back to look at the toys, their draw undeniable, they seemed to call to him. He wanted to rummage through them, pick something to play with, something both he & Murphy could play with together. He turned to look at his scared twin & took a step forward, reaching out with his hand, expecting Murphy to grab hold, like always.

When Murphy didn’t respond, Connor was confused. Murphy had never not taken his hand when offered, what was wrong with him? Connor stepped closer, his voice concerned. “What’s wrong, Murph? Don’t cha wanna play?”

Murphy shook his head ‘no’ quickly, his eyes unmoving, continuing to watch Mrs. Williams as she slowly got to her feet. He began to chew on his thumbnail, something he had recently started to do when he was nervous or scared.

“Connor, why don’t you go look at the toys, aye? Your brother will stay with me. It’s all right, go on,” Annabelle quietly instructed, hoping that once Murphy saw Connor with the toys, he’d want to join him. That was his usual pattern, he’d quietly watch Connor first before joining in whatever his twin was doing. She hoped this would be no exception.

With a final look at his brother, Connor slowly made his way across the room, to the marvelous toys. When he reached the shelves & bins that held things Connor only dreamed of, his eyes scanned for something Murphy would like, something that would make him come over and play.

He dug through the first bin, tossing aside stupid girl toys like dolls and jump ropes, pink hats & even pinker purses. There were cars & trucks at the bottom of the bin, but he didn’t find anything that screamed ‘Murphy’ so he moved to the second bin, hoping for better results. In that tub, there were dozens of action figures, army men, balls & legos. Murphy liked playing with all those things, but Connor knew they weren’t enough to draw his brother over, not when he was so scared.

Connor turned to the shelves next, seeing exactly what he was looking for. Murphy loved to color, draw and paint……he’d choose that over anything else, even over playing ball in the yard, which was Connor’s favorite activity. There on the shelf, just waiting for Connor’s twin to notice, were dozens of coloring books, boxes full of crayons, finger paints & chalk. All the things Murphy wouldn’t be able to resist.

Connor smiled, glancing over his shoulder to find his scared baby brother. Murphy still wasn’t looking, still wasn’t enticed enough to watch him instead of their teacher.

Connor pulled out a coloring book, the largest one there. It was huge, almost as tall as he was, and he put it on the floor before grabbing the crayons. He got on his belly and paged through the book before stopping on a page with puppies on one side & kittens on the other…..two things Murphy could never resist.

Connor chose the puppies to start coloring, picking out shades of brown for the fur. As he began to quietly color, he kept his eye on his twin, willing him to notice what he was doing. But still, Murphy didn’t notice.

Sighing, Connor called out, “Hey, Murph…..what color is a beagle s’posed to be?”

This got Murphy’s attention & he finally looked away from the adults, finally looked at his twin, finally noticed what Connor was doing. He watched Connor color for a moment, his attention now consumed with what Connor was doing, his eyes dancing over the crayons spread out on the floor. Murphy stopped chewing his nail & let go of Annabelle’s skirt, taking a brave step away from his ma, toward Connor.

Connor glanced up, seeing Murphy’s slow movements and he quickly looked back to his coloring, not wanting to spook him, waiting patiently for his twin to make his way quietly across the room. When he saw Murphy’s shoes directly in front of him, he looked up into the nervous face he knew so well.

“Can I color with you, Connor?” Murphy’s voice was soft and quiet, almost a whisper, really.

“’Course ya can, Murph. You wanna color kittens or puppies?”

“Kittens.”

Then he was on his belly next to his twin, Connor pushing crayons toward Murphy before turning back to his puppy coloring. As they colored, they talked about kittens & puppies, and what colors to make each one, what color their eyes should be, what color for their collars. They even picked names for each one on the page.

Murphy forgot all about Mrs. Williams & he began to smile as he finished the last kitten on the page, his nervousness & fear a distant memory.

“Boys….time to go now. Put away the crayons,” Ma quietly instructed to loud groans from both boys. They knew better than to argue & they quickly put everything back where it belonged. Connor took Murphy’s hand as they returned to their mother’s side, both women smiling at the boys.

“I think they’ll do all right on their first day,” Mrs. Williams softly said, even though Murphy wouldn’t even look at her now. But he did look at Connor, who was smiling gently at him.

“Just wait, Murph, you’ll see. School will be fun,” Connor promised. “And when we come back, we can color some more.”

Murphy nodded, not really looking forward to that day, even with coloring thrown in.

The next 2 weeks went by quickly, Annabelle continuing to talk about how much fun school would be, how proud she was that her boys were starting school, how much they’d like it. Murphy still wasn’t convinced but he never said a peep about it, but Connor knew anyway. Connor was certain they would be just fine, there really wasn’t anything to worry about, he was certain.

Then it was here, the day had finally arrived. Ma made them a special breakfast, pancakes with cinnamon, before taking pictures of them in the yard next to the lilac bush…..her two little men, one smiling, one scowling.

She walked them to school, brushing tears from her eyes when they arrived, walking them past the children playing in the schoolyard. They arrived at the classroom where they had colored a few weeks prior, Annabelle leaning down & cupping Connor’s face in her hands, kissing his cheeks. She turned to Murphy and repeated the same action before standing up & looking at her boys.

“You boys be good, don’t give Mrs. Williams any problems, you hear?”

“Yes, Ma,” Murphy responded while Connor remained silent.

Mrs. Williams approached with a large smile on her face, “It’s nice to have you boys back. Welcome to school.”

Suddenly, without warning, Connor burst into tears, reaching up & grabbing onto Annabelle’s hand with white knuckles. He began to shake as he looked at all the children in the room, hot tears streaming down his cheeks.

Murphy stood in place, watching, not knowing what to do. Annabelle looked at her oldest twin, shocked by his reaction, she had been keeping her eye on Murphy, expecting him to cry, not Connor. She leaned down, quietly talking to Connor, telling him it was all right, he’d been so eager for school to start, he’d be with Murphy.

But Connor kept crying, louder with each passing second. He couldn’t stop.

Mrs. Williams smiled softly, telling Annabelle sometimes children had this reaction, they were overwhelmed with excitement or fear, much like Murphy had been at their first meeting.

Murphy reached for Connor’s hand, grasping it tightly as Connor looked at him with wet eyes, tears continuing unabated. Connor held tightly onto his brother & mother, his tears not slowing, his breath in halting bursts.

“Don’t be scared, Conn, I’m here with you,” Murphy whispered.

Both mother & twin comforted him, tried to calm him, tried to assure him for over 10 minutes. The rest of the children had now arrived, some were crying but none were as upset as Connor. Annabelle picked her boy up & he clung to her, his arms wrapped tightly around her neck as his tears wet her shoulder. He was trembling as he looked down at Murphy and Connor noticed his brother’s lip begin to quiver as his own tears built in his eyes. Murphy was scared, too.

Then his ma was saying something about leaving Murphy at school & taking Connor home. Alone. Without his Murph. No….he couldn’t let that happen.

But she began to walk away with Connor in her arms & from over his mother’s shoulder, he locked eyes with Murphy, who began to cry.

“Murph!” Connor wailed, his arms reaching out in vain for his darker half.

“Connor!” Murphy wailed back, giving him a look that Connor would never forget, a look of quiet desperation, a look that screamed ‘don’t leave me.’

But Connor left in his mother’s arms, he left Murphy behind. Alone. Murphy tried to follow but Mrs. Williams held him back. And then Connor was gone.

Connor cried all the way home, begging for Murphy, while Annabelle rubbed his back, telling him to calm down. But he couldn’t, not while separated from Murph, he’d rather go back to school than be home alone.

They had just arrived home, Annabelle had just put a glass of milk in front of a still crying Connor, when the phone rang. It was the school. Murphy wouldn’t calm down, he wouldn’t stop crying, he kept calling for Connor. They were asking Annabelle to come back & take Murphy home.

She sighed as she hung up the phone, worried about her boys & how they were acting. She took Connor by the hand & they walked back to the school. The closer they got, the happier Connor seemed to become, pulling on her arm.

When they entered the classroom, the other children were enjoying playtime, their loud laughter greeting Annabelle & Connor. But Connor was searching for Murphy. He wasn’t coloring. He wasn’t playing with the trucks, or the action figures, or playing catch. He wasn’t playing at all. Finally, Connor’s eyes were drawn to a lone figure across the room.

Murphy sat on a chair on the other side of the room, his head down, crying softly…..alone.

Connor pulled wildly on his mother’s arm, trying to get away, trying to get to Murph. Annabelle finally let go, allowing her oldest to run to her youngest.

Murphy felt Connor’s presence before he heard his twin running toward him, calling out his name. He jumped from the chair & they hugged each other tightly, both boys still crying but now with happy tears. Annabelle stood watching as her boys pulled apart, each wiping the others face, each trying to smile for the other.

Mrs. Williams joined Annabelle as the boys walked toward the adults, hand in hand.

“Can we go color, Ma?” Connor asked quietly, glancing at Murphy who smiled in support, both trying to be so brave.

“Do you boys want to stay?” she asked carefully, hoping that they could be here without her.

They nodded in response, together.

“Are you sure?”

Another nod.

“Go ahead then, go color.”

She watched them run to the shelf, still hand in hand, releasing their hold only so Connor could get the coloring book & Murphy could get the crayons. They returned to the same position as the last time they were coloring, both finally smiling once again.

Annabelle was finally able to leave the twins at school, together.

They had been very brave that day, swallowing their fear. For each other.


End file.
